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Jesus: the cover-up
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I think we’d better tell him.
Yeah I think you’re right.
There’s definitely something wrong.
OK. I’ll call him. Archangel Gabriel, come in Gabriel!
pause
Errr… Yes sir we have a problem.
Well, you might want to come over here.
He’s coming.
It hasn’t moved at all, right? Since the crucifixion itself.
We probably should have checked it earlier.
Well I didn’t even think to…
Yeah well me either
Hey fellas. What’s wrong.
Yes sir, uhh Jesus is still registering as completely dead, but God’s fury over man’s sin and iniquity hasn’t diminished at all. It isn’t moving.
This can’t be right. That should be way down by now. What is it, Sunday morning?
Almost sir, still the middle of the night.
Hmm,
a day and a half in, that doesn’t look good.
It should be half way to zero by now, right?. .
There’s not even hint of clemency! This could be bad. Actually that dip back there, what was that?
Looks like an Israelite had a bad case of haemorrhoids and figured he was being punished by the Lord for something, so he ritually killed a goat and burnt it…
Right and that DID placate God’s anger a little bit, temporarily?
Well yeah but a goat never keeps it down for all that long..
Ok let’s check a few things,… Can you bring up details on the anger level?
Wow he’s still at peak anger: Check Jesus’ status again?
Yep, umm- complete separation from Himself.
But still it’s not going down. I knew it. I knew it!
I told him again and again, making yourself human in order to sacrifice yourself unto yourself to appease yourself won’t work!! Ahh, blood, death - why does it have to be death all the time?
Yeah, Gabriel, but God is just, the price of sin must be paid!— isn’t that what they told you?
Well yeah, I was told that Jesus is doing this voluntarily out of love and grace,…
Stop kidding yourself, guys. How do you pay yourself for something? And even if you could he planned on getting better in a few days anyway, so at best he’s really only kind of renting the price of man’s sin to himself for the weekend!
It’s frigging ridiculous! Of course it hasn’t worked
Yeah, when you actually think about it,,…
I was afraid to admit it to myself
Well, sir, what happens now?
Well the central pillar of this whole Jesus operation is the failure I was afraid it would be. It's just an embarrassment now so we’ve basically got to call it all off and do the best we can to cover it all up.
Whoa! But Monday was meant to be a huge UNcovering of God’s truth! This whole 33 years <<<<was leading up to that!
Cover up?!
But this was meant to be a victory over death, but If he’s still burning with anger about sin then people are going to go on dying, aren’t they?
Who’s going to believe he’s conquered death if everyone still keeps on dying the way they always have?
People MIGHT still be able to accept that death is defeated in a kind of delayed way,…
No, that’s crazy talk, Look, He’s blown it and we just have to cancel everything we had planned.
You want to cancel the resurrection?
Well no, Jesus is going to come back obviously,
Just cancel all publicity, all events and formalities. Is everybody getting this?
Cancel the supernatural live HD holographic broadcast of the resurrection itself to every living person on the planet
and cancel the archiving of the footage that was going to make it all provable to every human that ever lives henceforth,
and I hate to do this - but
NO, you're not!!
cancel the official launch of the new covenant too.
WHAT?! The committee has been working on those new laws ever since the first ones started getting announced!!
All those negotiations!
We only just got him to agree to all that!
But Jesus has been talking about being nice to each <<<<<< other and to love neighbours and all
I know, I know….
I know, I know I know. I don’t want humans living under such insane laws for even one more day either, but everything else has to be cancelled if we’re ever going to have a shot at getting it right..
But why?!?!
Look if can get the world to just forget about Jesus, we’ll get another shot at it again in a few generations.
But maybe people will accept that he has forgiven sin, but just it you know, it hasn’t quite gone into effect yet, or … yeah ok forget it that’s just stupid.
But the laws stay the same?
We just can’t do any proper publicity now coz it would make God look silly,
and without a proper launch clearly announcing the specifics of the new covenant,
the humans would be left in a moral mess of trying figure out a mix the old covenant morality with their very limited understanding of the new stuff that Jesus has been leaking for us, and I don’t want to risk that
So… I guess we just sit back til Monday then…
Yeah, there’s a lot of reorganising to do between now and then.
Poor humans, hey? Suffering is going to continue on Earth after all the same as always.
Kinda embarrassing to think he could fix it all by sacrificing himself unto himself!
<<—-Hold on. Hold on hold on - is it daylight in Jerusalem yet?
No, sir, but soon.
It’s still dark?
yeah.
Look, OK, this is our chance, Let’s get him out NOW.
Now?!
Now, it’s the perfect opportunity, before the sun comes up and people start snooping around that tomb he’s been in.
This is a big change to the schedule, are we ready for it?
Yep. If we get him out now, people might just assume that Joseph of Arimathaeia came back (ref) and moved the body to a proper tomb somewhere during the night.
Yep - this is it. Battle stations Everyone:
I’m ordering a full extraction here, before the sun comes up which gives us only a few minutes!
QUICK. I want Jesus out of there and back up here without being seen, so history can just forget this whole thing and we can start setting ourselves up to get it right next time and save humanity from hell PROPERLY!!
I’m going to need two volunteers to go down and get Jesus.
You can count on us, sir!
Get going then.
I’ll pull some strings up here to get Jesus out of death - shouldn’t be too hard since he’s immortal,
you’ve got to meet him on Earth, not let anyone see you or him, bring him back.
Simple as that. We’ll mop up the rest afterwards.
Quick, you don’t have much time before the sun comes up.
Let’s go!…
****************************
Jesus! Jesus!
Lord. Can you hear us?
Oh… Where am I?
You’re still in the tomb.
Did it work? Did my sacrifice of me appease me?
Well, Lord, you tell us.
Well, let’s see, I feel still… kinda… all this compassion for mankind but .. wait,.. there’s… yes! There’s still an unquenchable need to have each and every one of them cast into a scalding lake of fire for eternity after they die! What’s going on?! I was meant to feel nothing but forgiveness!
The mission was a failure, Lord.
and Gabriel is super-annoyed. He said he told you it wouldn’t work.
Whoa….. I guess there’s no buying off the creator of the universe then, eh? Even when it’s yourself. Damn. What happens now?
Well, it means that the world pretty much stays the way it’s been since the fall, and you stay unable to abide with sin. Except in the sense that you’re here on Earth abiding with it<<<<<<<<
Yep we’re getting you out of here early, the whole thing’s cancelled. the broadcast and all the publicity and celebrations, you conclusively proving your existence, even the announcement of the new covenant between you and mankind is being postponed for a few generations.
What?! And hang on, how’s that going to play out? You guys told me to start leaking all this new covenant stuff about being nice instead of all of those laws I gave them as my own father. If I don’t go ahead with announcing the exact terms of the new covenant aren’t they going to be a bit confused as to which commandments they’re meant to follow?
Well exactly, Lord, it’d be very confusing and that’s why we’re hoping that just for now that your words WON’T be remembered, and <<<<
what? You guys were the ones who wanted to replace all my laws with new ones! You wouldn't stop going on about how good it was gonna be,<<< if we replaced my laws with some nice ones
Yes yes we know all that Lord and it’s why we’ve GOT to get you out of here NOW, quick as possible, We can’t do a proper launch of the new covenant any more, and if you retain any kind of following despite that then yes, they’ll be stuck with an incomprehensible confusion of conflicting moral ideals and they’ll start picking and choosing bits from the old covenant that they like and bits and pieces of your recent ideas if they like them more,
Hmmm, picking and choosing their morality? That’s quite interesting, coz by what moral authority is anyone going to decide which of the things that I’ve been saying recently replace or retract any of the things I said previously unless I specifically and unequivocally say so at the launch?
Well on no moral authority, Lord, that’s the thing. People who believed in you wouldn’t even be able to agree with each other because so far you haven’t been clear enough. And there’s not going to BE a launch…<<<<< so don’t worry about it and let’s
Yeah it’s fascinating. how would it play out based on only what I’ve mentioned here and there in the last few years?
Lets not worry<<<< about hypotheticals…
No, really,…What kind of things do you reckon they’d pick to keep and what do you reckon they’d decided I’d repealed?
Well, if the humans were choosing, I think generally they’d be inclined towards nicer, and fairer laws that make life more pleasant for each other. Don’t you? They’d stop killing each other for petty victimless crimes like sabbath work.
Do you reckon they would? It was in the ten commandments man, that’s pretty clearly against his eternal moral character… They’d see that,…
You reckon they stay concerned about Sabbath work?
Sure, they wouldn't just drop everything from the Mosaic law,… I mean sure, they’d drop slavery…
Slavery, really? On their own? I can’t see why they’d drop that,…
Nah it's pretty obvious that Jesus would be anti-slavery. <<<<<Love your neighbour and all that
I dunno about that, Jesus what did you actually say about it?
I said you can buy people and make them your slaves for their whole life.
No, I mean as Jesus. What did you say in Jesus form?
Oh, ummm as Jesus not much, I did talk about how some slaves really don’t deserve to be beaten quite as badly as others, (Luke 12:47-48), and told stories about slave owners throwing their slaves into prison to be tortured, (Matt18:23-35)
Right, but were you actually condemning it?
Well no, I brought it up as an analogy of the kind of relationship I have with humans.
Right, so you didn't get as far as saying "No more slavery"?
Tck, yeah you know it’s tricky to say something like that in this cultural context, see…
Ok, I'd grant that his moral opposition to slavery is a little ambiguous,... But he'd definitely not want them to treat homosexuals any different to anyone else any more, and humans would get that.
Really?
Yeah, love your neighbor as yourself? How could you justify treating anyone differently just because of their preference in that regard.
No, I think that Jesus still wants them stoned to death. Don’t you, Jesus? That sort of thing<<<< is still an abomination to his moral nature.
That's not loving?! Jesus said to love even your enemy…
Ok maybe not killing them, but it's still an abomination for a man to lie with a man, right Jesus? What is your moral call on that as the author of universal objective morality?
It’s really interesting?! They’ve really got a wide spectrum of commandments to pick and choose from, haven’t they,? and the funny thing is, if people wanted to replace any of the old covenant morality with the newer stuff, really, they’d be using my objective morality to prove objectively that my previous objective morality was immoral!
What?
hang on you’ve lost me
Well if they interpreted my objective moral instruction to love their neighbours as themselves as meaning that killing innocent people was immoral, wouldn’t that mean that I’d commanded people to carry out immoral acts?
They’re not likely to admit that to themselves as such, but yes.
Which is exactly why we need to get you out of here Lord. Quick the sun’s coming up!!
No no, I agree that it’s an absolute mess, but that doesn’t mean that we have to cancel anything really? I think we should just carry on regardless.
What? Why?! What kind of confused, inconsistent following do you want to have?
You’re overestimating my followers’ expectations. People will still credit me with having conquered death despite death continuing if they really WANT to! Evidence to the contrary isn’t going to sway them!
No, Lord, even if you wanted to you can’t now, the whole events and publicity schedule has been cancelled.
Well let’s just do it without publicity! Maybe the less publicity the better.
What?! How would that look?
Hang on?! But the moral confusion you’d be leaving your followers in, then,…
But that’s covered too! Atheists!
What?
They'll have someone to deflect all of their moral confusion onto.
How?
as long as my followers have got someone apart from themselves to accuse of picking and choosing, then they'll be able to feel a little bit better about the fact that they’re doing it themselves.
But hold on, at least atheists will be able to be consistent when it comes to things like condemning practices such as stoning and burning people alive and child murder as bad morality. Yours will be forced into a position where they claim to have knowledge of your objective morality but won’t want to be questioned on any of it because you’ve ordered and carried out exactly the sorts of things they’d want to claim were immoral.
Yes, but the believers will be able to just say "But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on," and that will win every argument.
What?
Come again?
Well If some non-believer asserts that murdering children is bad and insinuates that my ordering or carrying out child murder was bad, believers will be able to just say “But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on,” and that will win the argument.
No it won't! That’s a pathetic comeback because the atheist will show the gaping holes in their basis for objective morality by forcing the believer to admit that the morality that they claim is objective and universal is simply contextual and cherry-picked!
But they won’t admit it, that’s the thing. They’ll just say “But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on," It’s the perfect comeback!
It's not perfect, it's crap and full of mind bogglingly large holes! How can you not see that?
Lord, you’re describing an insane situation that we simply HAVE to avoid! Come on, forget ALL of this and let's get out of here! Gabriel must be freaking out by now!!
No, I’m going to go ahead with my own resurrection just without any of the publicity.
No lord that would really not be in the best interests of humanity at this time...
You’d end up needing to hurl most of them into a lake of fire for eternity if you do that!
It's best if nobody knows...
OK then, Look I’ll only prove my resurrection unto everyone in Jerusalem and Galilee. No other nation or culture anywhere!
NO!
Just one news conference so it gets attested to by multiple independent historical sources?!
NO!
Only in Jerusalem then.
NO!
Well just my disciples and a few others here and there.
NO!!
Oh come on, lighten up! They’ll hardly even recognize me! And none of them will even write it down!
Well what's the point of doing it then?!!!
Look, you’re getting ahead of yourselves. I just wanna visit my disciples and show off my scars and stuff. Imagine how surprised they’ll be!
SHH!! Someone’s coming!!!
Oh, no we’ve blown it: Jesus: HIDE! Disappear or something!
Hello? Is anyone there?
Oh, oh uh - hello there! Lovely morning, isn’t it?
Who are you?
Oh, we’re just ahhh yeah, just hanging out here really,
Where’s Jesus body?
Ahh, yeah,
the ahhh the body! Well, …
ummm Lovely tomb, this, isn’t it?
“They have taken my Lord away and I don’t know where they have put him”
Ahh yes, that’s it, his body’s gone, Joseph of Arimathea came back you see, it’s all taken care of,..
Yep, may as well just go and get on with your life then, eh? Terrible shame what they did to him, isn’t it,…
Nice guy, Jesus, wasn’t he, but just another failed apocalyptic prophet I’m afraid,…
Best not talk about him too much any more,
I’m sure that the real messiah will be along any time now, best keep a lookout for him eh? It’ll be great when he’s finally here, won’t it!
Yep run along now, there you go,
GASP!!!!!
GASP!!!!!
“Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Whispering: NO NO NO NO!!!
Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him
…. Mary…”
Teacher!!! Oh!! Lord!! Jesus! You didn’t die after all!!
What? Yes I did,
You must have just passed out!
No, I was dead!
Perhaps you went into a coma or something. I’m not surprised, the way they speared you there!
What? Yes I did,
I’m so relieved, I thought you were dead, but you were only asleep or something!!
Yes yes, Look - Go and tell my brothers, OK? And tell them that I was dead, OK? I was!
I have seen the Lord! I have seen the Lord!! He wasn’t really dead!
Yes I was!!
What?
I think you just started a really stupid religion, Lord.
Yeah I think you’re right.
There’s definitely something wrong.
OK. I’ll call him. Archangel Gabriel, come in Gabriel!
pause
Errr… Yes sir we have a problem.
Well, you might want to come over here.
He’s coming.
It hasn’t moved at all, right? Since the crucifixion itself.
We probably should have checked it earlier.
Well I didn’t even think to…
Yeah well me either
Hey fellas. What’s wrong.
Yes sir, uhh Jesus is still registering as completely dead, but God’s fury over man’s sin and iniquity hasn’t diminished at all. It isn’t moving.
This can’t be right. That should be way down by now. What is it, Sunday morning?
Almost sir, still the middle of the night.
Hmm,
a day and a half in, that doesn’t look good.
It should be half way to zero by now, right?. .
There’s not even hint of clemency! This could be bad. Actually that dip back there, what was that?
Looks like an Israelite had a bad case of haemorrhoids and figured he was being punished by the Lord for something, so he ritually killed a goat and burnt it…
Right and that DID placate God’s anger a little bit, temporarily?
Well yeah but a goat never keeps it down for all that long..
Ok let’s check a few things,… Can you bring up details on the anger level?
Wow he’s still at peak anger: Check Jesus’ status again?
Yep, umm- complete separation from Himself.
But still it’s not going down. I knew it. I knew it!
I told him again and again, making yourself human in order to sacrifice yourself unto yourself to appease yourself won’t work!! Ahh, blood, death - why does it have to be death all the time?
Yeah, Gabriel, but God is just, the price of sin must be paid!— isn’t that what they told you?
Well yeah, I was told that Jesus is doing this voluntarily out of love and grace,…
Stop kidding yourself, guys. How do you pay yourself for something? And even if you could he planned on getting better in a few days anyway, so at best he’s really only kind of renting the price of man’s sin to himself for the weekend!
It’s frigging ridiculous! Of course it hasn’t worked
Yeah, when you actually think about it,,…
I was afraid to admit it to myself
Well, sir, what happens now?
Well the central pillar of this whole Jesus operation is the failure I was afraid it would be. It's just an embarrassment now so we’ve basically got to call it all off and do the best we can to cover it all up.
Whoa! But Monday was meant to be a huge UNcovering of God’s truth! This whole 33 years <<<<was leading up to that!
Cover up?!
But this was meant to be a victory over death, but If he’s still burning with anger about sin then people are going to go on dying, aren’t they?
Who’s going to believe he’s conquered death if everyone still keeps on dying the way they always have?
People MIGHT still be able to accept that death is defeated in a kind of delayed way,…
No, that’s crazy talk, Look, He’s blown it and we just have to cancel everything we had planned.
You want to cancel the resurrection?
Well no, Jesus is going to come back obviously,
Just cancel all publicity, all events and formalities. Is everybody getting this?
Cancel the supernatural live HD holographic broadcast of the resurrection itself to every living person on the planet
and cancel the archiving of the footage that was going to make it all provable to every human that ever lives henceforth,
and I hate to do this - but
NO, you're not!!
cancel the official launch of the new covenant too.
WHAT?! The committee has been working on those new laws ever since the first ones started getting announced!!
All those negotiations!
We only just got him to agree to all that!
But Jesus has been talking about being nice to each <<<<<< other and to love neighbours and all
I know, I know….
I know, I know I know. I don’t want humans living under such insane laws for even one more day either, but everything else has to be cancelled if we’re ever going to have a shot at getting it right..
But why?!?!
Look if can get the world to just forget about Jesus, we’ll get another shot at it again in a few generations.
But maybe people will accept that he has forgiven sin, but just it you know, it hasn’t quite gone into effect yet, or … yeah ok forget it that’s just stupid.
But the laws stay the same?
We just can’t do any proper publicity now coz it would make God look silly,
and without a proper launch clearly announcing the specifics of the new covenant,
the humans would be left in a moral mess of trying figure out a mix the old covenant morality with their very limited understanding of the new stuff that Jesus has been leaking for us, and I don’t want to risk that
So… I guess we just sit back til Monday then…
Yeah, there’s a lot of reorganising to do between now and then.
Poor humans, hey? Suffering is going to continue on Earth after all the same as always.
Kinda embarrassing to think he could fix it all by sacrificing himself unto himself!
<<—-Hold on. Hold on hold on - is it daylight in Jerusalem yet?
No, sir, but soon.
It’s still dark?
yeah.
Look, OK, this is our chance, Let’s get him out NOW.
Now?!
Now, it’s the perfect opportunity, before the sun comes up and people start snooping around that tomb he’s been in.
This is a big change to the schedule, are we ready for it?
Yep. If we get him out now, people might just assume that Joseph of Arimathaeia came back (ref) and moved the body to a proper tomb somewhere during the night.
Yep - this is it. Battle stations Everyone:
I’m ordering a full extraction here, before the sun comes up which gives us only a few minutes!
QUICK. I want Jesus out of there and back up here without being seen, so history can just forget this whole thing and we can start setting ourselves up to get it right next time and save humanity from hell PROPERLY!!
I’m going to need two volunteers to go down and get Jesus.
You can count on us, sir!
Get going then.
I’ll pull some strings up here to get Jesus out of death - shouldn’t be too hard since he’s immortal,
you’ve got to meet him on Earth, not let anyone see you or him, bring him back.
Simple as that. We’ll mop up the rest afterwards.
Quick, you don’t have much time before the sun comes up.
Let’s go!…
****************************
Jesus! Jesus!
Lord. Can you hear us?
Oh… Where am I?
You’re still in the tomb.
Did it work? Did my sacrifice of me appease me?
Well, Lord, you tell us.
Well, let’s see, I feel still… kinda… all this compassion for mankind but .. wait,.. there’s… yes! There’s still an unquenchable need to have each and every one of them cast into a scalding lake of fire for eternity after they die! What’s going on?! I was meant to feel nothing but forgiveness!
The mission was a failure, Lord.
and Gabriel is super-annoyed. He said he told you it wouldn’t work.
Whoa….. I guess there’s no buying off the creator of the universe then, eh? Even when it’s yourself. Damn. What happens now?
Well, it means that the world pretty much stays the way it’s been since the fall, and you stay unable to abide with sin. Except in the sense that you’re here on Earth abiding with it<<<<<<<<
Yep we’re getting you out of here early, the whole thing’s cancelled. the broadcast and all the publicity and celebrations, you conclusively proving your existence, even the announcement of the new covenant between you and mankind is being postponed for a few generations.
What?! And hang on, how’s that going to play out? You guys told me to start leaking all this new covenant stuff about being nice instead of all of those laws I gave them as my own father. If I don’t go ahead with announcing the exact terms of the new covenant aren’t they going to be a bit confused as to which commandments they’re meant to follow?
Well exactly, Lord, it’d be very confusing and that’s why we’re hoping that just for now that your words WON’T be remembered, and <<<<
what? You guys were the ones who wanted to replace all my laws with new ones! You wouldn't stop going on about how good it was gonna be,<<< if we replaced my laws with some nice ones
Yes yes we know all that Lord and it’s why we’ve GOT to get you out of here NOW, quick as possible, We can’t do a proper launch of the new covenant any more, and if you retain any kind of following despite that then yes, they’ll be stuck with an incomprehensible confusion of conflicting moral ideals and they’ll start picking and choosing bits from the old covenant that they like and bits and pieces of your recent ideas if they like them more,
Hmmm, picking and choosing their morality? That’s quite interesting, coz by what moral authority is anyone going to decide which of the things that I’ve been saying recently replace or retract any of the things I said previously unless I specifically and unequivocally say so at the launch?
Well on no moral authority, Lord, that’s the thing. People who believed in you wouldn’t even be able to agree with each other because so far you haven’t been clear enough. And there’s not going to BE a launch…<<<<< so don’t worry about it and let’s
Yeah it’s fascinating. how would it play out based on only what I’ve mentioned here and there in the last few years?
Lets not worry<<<< about hypotheticals…
No, really,…What kind of things do you reckon they’d pick to keep and what do you reckon they’d decided I’d repealed?
Well, if the humans were choosing, I think generally they’d be inclined towards nicer, and fairer laws that make life more pleasant for each other. Don’t you? They’d stop killing each other for petty victimless crimes like sabbath work.
Do you reckon they would? It was in the ten commandments man, that’s pretty clearly against his eternal moral character… They’d see that,…
You reckon they stay concerned about Sabbath work?
Sure, they wouldn't just drop everything from the Mosaic law,… I mean sure, they’d drop slavery…
Slavery, really? On their own? I can’t see why they’d drop that,…
Nah it's pretty obvious that Jesus would be anti-slavery. <<<<<Love your neighbour and all that
I dunno about that, Jesus what did you actually say about it?
I said you can buy people and make them your slaves for their whole life.
No, I mean as Jesus. What did you say in Jesus form?
Oh, ummm as Jesus not much, I did talk about how some slaves really don’t deserve to be beaten quite as badly as others, (Luke 12:47-48), and told stories about slave owners throwing their slaves into prison to be tortured, (Matt18:23-35)
Right, but were you actually condemning it?
Well no, I brought it up as an analogy of the kind of relationship I have with humans.
Right, so you didn't get as far as saying "No more slavery"?
Tck, yeah you know it’s tricky to say something like that in this cultural context, see…
Ok, I'd grant that his moral opposition to slavery is a little ambiguous,... But he'd definitely not want them to treat homosexuals any different to anyone else any more, and humans would get that.
Really?
Yeah, love your neighbor as yourself? How could you justify treating anyone differently just because of their preference in that regard.
No, I think that Jesus still wants them stoned to death. Don’t you, Jesus? That sort of thing<<<< is still an abomination to his moral nature.
That's not loving?! Jesus said to love even your enemy…
Ok maybe not killing them, but it's still an abomination for a man to lie with a man, right Jesus? What is your moral call on that as the author of universal objective morality?
It’s really interesting?! They’ve really got a wide spectrum of commandments to pick and choose from, haven’t they,? and the funny thing is, if people wanted to replace any of the old covenant morality with the newer stuff, really, they’d be using my objective morality to prove objectively that my previous objective morality was immoral!
What?
hang on you’ve lost me
Well if they interpreted my objective moral instruction to love their neighbours as themselves as meaning that killing innocent people was immoral, wouldn’t that mean that I’d commanded people to carry out immoral acts?
They’re not likely to admit that to themselves as such, but yes.
Which is exactly why we need to get you out of here Lord. Quick the sun’s coming up!!
No no, I agree that it’s an absolute mess, but that doesn’t mean that we have to cancel anything really? I think we should just carry on regardless.
What? Why?! What kind of confused, inconsistent following do you want to have?
You’re overestimating my followers’ expectations. People will still credit me with having conquered death despite death continuing if they really WANT to! Evidence to the contrary isn’t going to sway them!
No, Lord, even if you wanted to you can’t now, the whole events and publicity schedule has been cancelled.
Well let’s just do it without publicity! Maybe the less publicity the better.
What?! How would that look?
Hang on?! But the moral confusion you’d be leaving your followers in, then,…
But that’s covered too! Atheists!
What?
They'll have someone to deflect all of their moral confusion onto.
How?
as long as my followers have got someone apart from themselves to accuse of picking and choosing, then they'll be able to feel a little bit better about the fact that they’re doing it themselves.
But hold on, at least atheists will be able to be consistent when it comes to things like condemning practices such as stoning and burning people alive and child murder as bad morality. Yours will be forced into a position where they claim to have knowledge of your objective morality but won’t want to be questioned on any of it because you’ve ordered and carried out exactly the sorts of things they’d want to claim were immoral.
Yes, but the believers will be able to just say "But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on," and that will win every argument.
What?
Come again?
Well If some non-believer asserts that murdering children is bad and insinuates that my ordering or carrying out child murder was bad, believers will be able to just say “But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on,” and that will win the argument.
No it won't! That’s a pathetic comeback because the atheist will show the gaping holes in their basis for objective morality by forcing the believer to admit that the morality that they claim is objective and universal is simply contextual and cherry-picked!
But they won’t admit it, that’s the thing. They’ll just say “But you don't have an objective moral source to base that on," It’s the perfect comeback!
It's not perfect, it's crap and full of mind bogglingly large holes! How can you not see that?
Lord, you’re describing an insane situation that we simply HAVE to avoid! Come on, forget ALL of this and let's get out of here! Gabriel must be freaking out by now!!
No, I’m going to go ahead with my own resurrection just without any of the publicity.
No lord that would really not be in the best interests of humanity at this time...
You’d end up needing to hurl most of them into a lake of fire for eternity if you do that!
It's best if nobody knows...
OK then, Look I’ll only prove my resurrection unto everyone in Jerusalem and Galilee. No other nation or culture anywhere!
NO!
Just one news conference so it gets attested to by multiple independent historical sources?!
NO!
Only in Jerusalem then.
NO!
Well just my disciples and a few others here and there.
NO!!
Oh come on, lighten up! They’ll hardly even recognize me! And none of them will even write it down!
Well what's the point of doing it then?!!!
Look, you’re getting ahead of yourselves. I just wanna visit my disciples and show off my scars and stuff. Imagine how surprised they’ll be!
SHH!! Someone’s coming!!!
Oh, no we’ve blown it: Jesus: HIDE! Disappear or something!
Hello? Is anyone there?
Oh, oh uh - hello there! Lovely morning, isn’t it?
Who are you?
Oh, we’re just ahhh yeah, just hanging out here really,
Where’s Jesus body?
Ahh, yeah,
the ahhh the body! Well, …
ummm Lovely tomb, this, isn’t it?
“They have taken my Lord away and I don’t know where they have put him”
Ahh yes, that’s it, his body’s gone, Joseph of Arimathea came back you see, it’s all taken care of,..
Yep, may as well just go and get on with your life then, eh? Terrible shame what they did to him, isn’t it,…
Nice guy, Jesus, wasn’t he, but just another failed apocalyptic prophet I’m afraid,…
Best not talk about him too much any more,
I’m sure that the real messiah will be along any time now, best keep a lookout for him eh? It’ll be great when he’s finally here, won’t it!
Yep run along now, there you go,
GASP!!!!!
GASP!!!!!
“Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Whispering: NO NO NO NO!!!
Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him
…. Mary…”
Teacher!!! Oh!! Lord!! Jesus! You didn’t die after all!!
What? Yes I did,
You must have just passed out!
No, I was dead!
Perhaps you went into a coma or something. I’m not surprised, the way they speared you there!
What? Yes I did,
I’m so relieved, I thought you were dead, but you were only asleep or something!!
Yes yes, Look - Go and tell my brothers, OK? And tell them that I was dead, OK? I was!
I have seen the Lord! I have seen the Lord!! He wasn’t really dead!
Yes I was!!
What?
I think you just started a really stupid religion, Lord.