Script for "High Stakes Intelligent Designing"
Note: this is a transcript carried out painstakingly and generously by a fan, completely voluntarily! I'm very grateful.
(fades into a conversation already in progress as Lucifer and Yahweh are sitting across from each other at a small table.)
Yahweh: ... and after they do that a tiny new human will grow inside the woman's body for 9 months and then it will come out and start its own life.
Lucifer: What, come out the same hole as the man put his umm...
Yahweh: Yes.
Lucifer: auh. That old system is an amazing idea. Two people come together in an act of love, and create a new life. Huh... that's just great man.
Yahweh: aah, look Lucifer it's nice of you to say that but... uoh... ...why won't you ...you know...
Lucifer: What?
Yahweh: Well... worship me? Just a little bit.
Lucifer: Oh, not this again. Look you designed me with free will. I... (interrupted)
Yahweh: Ya but you don't have to keep using it. You know how much I want worship!
Lucifer: Get over it man.
Yahweh: You never obey me. You never thank me for existing. You never sing songs about my inherent properties.
Lucifer: Calm down man. Calm down. Those human will worship you don't you think?
Yahweh: (slightly angry) Well they bloody well better! (calms down quickly) I mean... I mean yes. Wen-when they notice the incredibly intelligent things in my design they won't possibly miss seeing my hand in it all and how incredible I am so I guess I... (interrupted)
Lucifer: Oh ya, like what? Tell me.
Yahweh: Well one thing is that I designed their bodies, to only be able to survive in a watery environment rich in oxygen, right?
Lucifer: Yaa.
Yahweh: And I'm so wise, that I'm actually going to provide an environment, with water.... and oxygen, for them to live in.
Lucifer: Uh?
Yahweh: Ya. It's pretty much the best piece of evidence for my existence that I'm actually going to leave them. Or how about this... See, their bodies are specifically designed to constantly need fuel, right? In the form of food, or else they'll die. And I'm gona provide some of them, with adequate food, some of the time!
Lucifer: And you think they'll worship you for that?
Yahweh: Of course! The ones that don't starve or freeze to death will.
Lucifer: Well if you design them gullible enough they'll worship you for that I suppose.
Yahweh: What do you mean?
Lucifer: Oh, never mind. But, but look here... who would wraather have worship you, them or me?
Yahweh: Mmm... Why do I suddenly get the feeling you're trying to trick me?
Lucifer: Hmmhmm Well, look I won't lie. I want to screw around with you're design. And if you (interrupted) let me...
Yahweh: No way. I need them to realize they're intelligently designed because, pretty much the only other indication of my existence is going to be a weird book full of fallacies and contradictions, so I can't afford to have my designs messed up. They have to be spot on!
Lucifer: Oh, come on, come on. I know how much you want meee to worship you. If you let me mess around with your design juuust a little bit, I'll give you some praise and adoration.
Yahweh: Ahhooh, you will? ooh... Just what do you want to do to them?
Lucifer: Well this very clever reproductive system you've come up with. Instead of the man just making one sperm cell per month like you designed, I wanted to make... 100 sperm cells per month!
Yahweh: What? A hundred potential babies a month? It's a bit excessive isn't it?
Lucifer: Ya, I told ya. I wanted to mess around with your design. Make it a bit unintelligent.
Yahweh: But I've designed it to make one sperm per month, in perfect harmony with the women's bodies.
Lucifer: Ya, but I'll beg and grovel to ya on my knees for awhile if you let me do it.
Yahweh: ooaahh....
Lucifer: Uuuuhhh, you like that eh? heyhey Wait I want to raise it to... 1000 sperm cells per month.
Yahweh: What?! No!
Lucifer: And I'll beg and grovel... plus I'll sing a song about you existing.
Yahweh: ooooh... I love being reminded that I exist.
Lucifer: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's play poker for it.
Yahweh: Poker?
Lucifer: Ya, Texas Hold'm. You're playing for my worship, and I'm playing to being allowed to mess around with your design of the human reproductive system.
Yahweh: oohhh... Okay. Okay, shuffle up and deal.
Lucifer: So the blinds are in. 1000 sperm cells per month from you, and begging and grovelling plus a song from me.
Yahweh: Right. Let's go.
(4 cards are dealt face down, two to each)
Lucifer: Okay, Your action.
Yahweh: ummm, I check.
Lucifer: I'm gona bet. I wana put a flap of skin over the end of the man's appendage.
Yahweh: But I don't want there to be a flap of skin over the end of his thing. I mean, I really REALLY don't want there to be a flap of skin over the his thing, that sounds abominable!
Lucifer: I know you don't. That's why I want it. You can just fold if you wana quit.
Yahweh: ooh! I can't imagine anything as ungodly as a disgusting, deplorable, offensive piece of skin covering the end of his... (interrupted)
Lucifer: But... but, but if you win, I'll say nice things about your name, and your word.
Yahweh: uuh... Like what?
Lucifer: I'll say that it's haloed.
Yahweh: ooh, I'd love for my name to be haloed. oaah, I'll call but only if I'm allowed to order them to chop off this horrible piece of skin later on if you win.
Lucifer: Hahaha... So if I win, you're gona design them with the piece of skin, and then order them to cut it off. Haha... and still want to be considered an intelligent designer. HaHaHa! That's hilarious! Ha... I call.
Yahweh: Oh shut up. Just turn over the cards so I can beat you.
(3 cards are dealt face up, a 10 of hearts, king of spades, and a 6 of diamonds)
Yahweh: Okay, my turn?
Lucifer: Ya.
Yahweh: Right. I want a performance of "Our God is an Awesome god".
Lucifer: uuh, Big bet. You must be confident, aaA? But I re-raise you. You can have that, but if I win... I want men making 1000 sperm... per DAY!
Yahweh: That's insane! They'd need two testicles instead of one.
Lucifer: Well, that's my bet. Call or fold. And if you win, I'll kill a goat for you.
Yahweh: ooh, Really? Umm... I re-raise.
Lucifer: Uuuuh
Yahweh: After you kill the goat, you have to splash it's blood around and then burn it.
Lucifer: Okay then, I'll see that and I'll re-raise. If I win, you have to make human bodies capable of sexual reproduction... by around 13 or 14 years of age.
(Yahweh's face is flush with astonished anger)
Yahweh: You want kids going around capable of making babies!
(Yahweh's face returns to normal)
Yahweh: That is so obviously unintelligent! I designed them to reach sexual maturity around 25 years old. When they're mature and intelligent enough to be responsible for raising children.!
Lucifer: No no wait, I want more. Sexually mature in their early teens, and 10,000 sperm per day!
Yahweh: 10,000 per day! The testicles will run too hot. It's physically impossible.
Lucifer: Well, that's my bet. If you want the worship you'll have to design that in somehow. Either call or fold.
Yahweh: I-I-I-I'd actually have to put them outside the body somehow to keep them cool enough.
Lucifer: Pffftt... Okay, if I win, they have to dangle out the body in an ugly hairy bag, made from chicken skin!
Yahweh: That would look terrible!
Lucifer: But if you win, when I talk to you, instead of saying the word 'you', I'll say 'thee' and 'thou'.
Yahweh: ooh, That's just exactly what I want people to do. It's just so... meaningful and appropriate.
Lucifer: Ya. And I'll use words like, 'beseech' and 'unto'.
Yahweh: ooh, How about 'shalt'?
Lucifer: Ya, I'll say 'shalt' too.
Yahweh: uuuuuh... Okay, I'll call. Next card.
(one card is dealt face up, a 3 of diamonds. Added to the already turned up cards of: a 10 of hearts, king of spades, and a 6 of diamonds)
Yahweh: mmm, I don't think you can beat me from here. So I bet... hours and hours of the cheesiest happy-clappy worship songs you can imagine.
Lucifer: pff, Right. Bump it up to 100,000 sperm a day just to make it more interesting.
Yahweh: huh. What, are you mental? That will cause all sexual energy in their bodies. Men might want to have sex like... practically every day!
Lucifer: Imagine that.
Yahweh: Men might be left with the strongest sex drive than women. Why would I design that kind of imbalance?
Lucifer: Well, you better make sure you win the hand. Now do you want me to worship you or not?
Yahweh: Yes. I mean yes, yes I call. Come on, let's see the last card. Come on, this is it.
(one card is dealt face up, an 8 of clubs. Added to the already turned up cards of: a 10 of hearts, king of spades, a 6 of diamonds, and a 3 of diamonds)
Yahweh: hmm, Okay, uum, I check. Now keep it friendly.
Lucifer: I bet, 1,000,000 sperm per day.
(Yahweh's face turns extremely flushed and angry)
Yahweh: eerrrRRR!!!
(Yahweh's face slowly returns to normal)
Lucifer: But if you win, everything about the natural world that isn't under- stood by unbiased scientific observation and analysis, I'll credit it to you.
Yahweh: Re-raise. I want you to sing songs about me conquering death.
Lucifer: Hold on, didn't you invent death?
Yahweh: Well, ya, in a kind of backdoor way so as to not be directly respon- sible for it, ya.
Lucifer: What, you gona invent it, and than conquer it?
Yahweh: y-Yes.
Lucifer: Gee, that will be impressive. Re-raise. 10,000,000 sperm per day, and you have to make sex a sin.
Yahweh: But I'm a god love, and sex is the ultimate act of love between people! Why would I make sex a sin? I intend for people to use the sexual act as way way of coming together, of sharing and expressing love.
Lucifer: Ya, and you have to make it a sin, or else you can just fold and I'll win.
Yahweh: But what if people gona think of me if I sanction war after war after war, after war after war after war, after war after war after war and then tell them they are not allowed to express love? I'm not gona make any freak'n sense as a god of love at all! Look, I'll only call if they're allowed to each choose one person they can have sex with it being a sin.
Lucifer: mmmhm, Okay. That will be funny. All the men are walking around making 10,000,000 sperm a day, and busting for an opportunity to be relieved of them all, but they're only allowed to do it with one person for their whole life. That will drive some of them crazy. hahaha
Yahweh: oooOo, I wanted sex to be a free and open expression of love, and as many people as you wanted to.
Lucifer: But first I'm re-raising it to... 50,000,000 sperm a day.
Yahweh: 50,000,000 sperm a day and it's a sin to spread it around!? I'm an intelligent designer, not a freak'n sadist!!
(Shocked look on Yahweh's face)
Yahweh: And teenagers! You want teenagers to try to figure life out full of 50,000,000 sperm a day!
(Yahweh's face returns to normal)
Yahweh: Not to mention with disgusting skin on the end of their things and... ugly bags dangling around with... (sniffs) ... it's a freak'n nightmare scenario.
(Yahweh cries gently)
Lucifer: Oh come on, come on. Quit your whining, do you call or fold?
Yahweh: Well I call. But only cuz I'm sure I've got you anyway. What am I worried about, your ridicules plans don't even matter cuz I win! Here it is.
(Yahweh shows the 2 cards in his hand, a king and jack of diamonds - his best hand is now a pair of kings)
Yahweh: Top pair. Haha, (angels sing a short toon) I am the king of Kings!
Yahweh: HaHaHa! On your knees!
Lucifer: Sorry buddy.
Yahweh: Huh?
Lucifer: 3 of a kind beats a pair. 6... 6... 6.
(Lucifer breaks out into historical laughter)
Lucifer: aaHa Ha Ha HA HA HA HA!! Sexually mature in their early teen!!
Lucifer: Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA!! 50,000,000 sperm a day!!!! HAHA, And a foreskin that you can't stand!! HA HA HA HA!! Intelligent designer! Hahaha, And the ultimate act of love... is a sin!!!! HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!!
Yahweh: I demand a rematch.
Lucifer: Are you serious?! Okay, let's play for the female reproductive system this time. Huh! By the time I'm through with you, I'll have them... I don't know, bleeding out of it or something! HA HA HA HA!!
Yahweh: What? Bleeding?
Lucifer: Yaya, and I'll get you to make pregnancy involuntary, and childbirth practically deadly! HAHAHaHa!! Your deal. hahaha Ahuhuh, I had no idea that you would suck so badly at this.
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: Pair of kings, what did you think I had? You must have realized I'd hit something on the flop.
(conversation slowly fades out)
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: How could you have missed that man?
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: Really...
Yahweh: ... and after they do that a tiny new human will grow inside the woman's body for 9 months and then it will come out and start its own life.
Lucifer: What, come out the same hole as the man put his umm...
Yahweh: Yes.
Lucifer: auh. That old system is an amazing idea. Two people come together in an act of love, and create a new life. Huh... that's just great man.
Yahweh: aah, look Lucifer it's nice of you to say that but... uoh... ...why won't you ...you know...
Lucifer: What?
Yahweh: Well... worship me? Just a little bit.
Lucifer: Oh, not this again. Look you designed me with free will. I... (interrupted)
Yahweh: Ya but you don't have to keep using it. You know how much I want worship!
Lucifer: Get over it man.
Yahweh: You never obey me. You never thank me for existing. You never sing songs about my inherent properties.
Lucifer: Calm down man. Calm down. Those human will worship you don't you think?
Yahweh: (slightly angry) Well they bloody well better! (calms down quickly) I mean... I mean yes. Wen-when they notice the incredibly intelligent things in my design they won't possibly miss seeing my hand in it all and how incredible I am so I guess I... (interrupted)
Lucifer: Oh ya, like what? Tell me.
Yahweh: Well one thing is that I designed their bodies, to only be able to survive in a watery environment rich in oxygen, right?
Lucifer: Yaa.
Yahweh: And I'm so wise, that I'm actually going to provide an environment, with water.... and oxygen, for them to live in.
Lucifer: Uh?
Yahweh: Ya. It's pretty much the best piece of evidence for my existence that I'm actually going to leave them. Or how about this... See, their bodies are specifically designed to constantly need fuel, right? In the form of food, or else they'll die. And I'm gona provide some of them, with adequate food, some of the time!
Lucifer: And you think they'll worship you for that?
Yahweh: Of course! The ones that don't starve or freeze to death will.
Lucifer: Well if you design them gullible enough they'll worship you for that I suppose.
Yahweh: What do you mean?
Lucifer: Oh, never mind. But, but look here... who would wraather have worship you, them or me?
Yahweh: Mmm... Why do I suddenly get the feeling you're trying to trick me?
Lucifer: Hmmhmm Well, look I won't lie. I want to screw around with you're design. And if you (interrupted) let me...
Yahweh: No way. I need them to realize they're intelligently designed because, pretty much the only other indication of my existence is going to be a weird book full of fallacies and contradictions, so I can't afford to have my designs messed up. They have to be spot on!
Lucifer: Oh, come on, come on. I know how much you want meee to worship you. If you let me mess around with your design juuust a little bit, I'll give you some praise and adoration.
Yahweh: Ahhooh, you will? ooh... Just what do you want to do to them?
Lucifer: Well this very clever reproductive system you've come up with. Instead of the man just making one sperm cell per month like you designed, I wanted to make... 100 sperm cells per month!
Yahweh: What? A hundred potential babies a month? It's a bit excessive isn't it?
Lucifer: Ya, I told ya. I wanted to mess around with your design. Make it a bit unintelligent.
Yahweh: But I've designed it to make one sperm per month, in perfect harmony with the women's bodies.
Lucifer: Ya, but I'll beg and grovel to ya on my knees for awhile if you let me do it.
Yahweh: ooaahh....
Lucifer: Uuuuhhh, you like that eh? heyhey Wait I want to raise it to... 1000 sperm cells per month.
Yahweh: What?! No!
Lucifer: And I'll beg and grovel... plus I'll sing a song about you existing.
Yahweh: ooooh... I love being reminded that I exist.
Lucifer: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's play poker for it.
Yahweh: Poker?
Lucifer: Ya, Texas Hold'm. You're playing for my worship, and I'm playing to being allowed to mess around with your design of the human reproductive system.
Yahweh: oohhh... Okay. Okay, shuffle up and deal.
Lucifer: So the blinds are in. 1000 sperm cells per month from you, and begging and grovelling plus a song from me.
Yahweh: Right. Let's go.
(4 cards are dealt face down, two to each)
Lucifer: Okay, Your action.
Yahweh: ummm, I check.
Lucifer: I'm gona bet. I wana put a flap of skin over the end of the man's appendage.
Yahweh: But I don't want there to be a flap of skin over the end of his thing. I mean, I really REALLY don't want there to be a flap of skin over the his thing, that sounds abominable!
Lucifer: I know you don't. That's why I want it. You can just fold if you wana quit.
Yahweh: ooh! I can't imagine anything as ungodly as a disgusting, deplorable, offensive piece of skin covering the end of his... (interrupted)
Lucifer: But... but, but if you win, I'll say nice things about your name, and your word.
Yahweh: uuh... Like what?
Lucifer: I'll say that it's haloed.
Yahweh: ooh, I'd love for my name to be haloed. oaah, I'll call but only if I'm allowed to order them to chop off this horrible piece of skin later on if you win.
Lucifer: Hahaha... So if I win, you're gona design them with the piece of skin, and then order them to cut it off. Haha... and still want to be considered an intelligent designer. HaHaHa! That's hilarious! Ha... I call.
Yahweh: Oh shut up. Just turn over the cards so I can beat you.
(3 cards are dealt face up, a 10 of hearts, king of spades, and a 6 of diamonds)
Yahweh: Okay, my turn?
Lucifer: Ya.
Yahweh: Right. I want a performance of "Our God is an Awesome god".
Lucifer: uuh, Big bet. You must be confident, aaA? But I re-raise you. You can have that, but if I win... I want men making 1000 sperm... per DAY!
Yahweh: That's insane! They'd need two testicles instead of one.
Lucifer: Well, that's my bet. Call or fold. And if you win, I'll kill a goat for you.
Yahweh: ooh, Really? Umm... I re-raise.
Lucifer: Uuuuh
Yahweh: After you kill the goat, you have to splash it's blood around and then burn it.
Lucifer: Okay then, I'll see that and I'll re-raise. If I win, you have to make human bodies capable of sexual reproduction... by around 13 or 14 years of age.
(Yahweh's face is flush with astonished anger)
Yahweh: You want kids going around capable of making babies!
(Yahweh's face returns to normal)
Yahweh: That is so obviously unintelligent! I designed them to reach sexual maturity around 25 years old. When they're mature and intelligent enough to be responsible for raising children.!
Lucifer: No no wait, I want more. Sexually mature in their early teens, and 10,000 sperm per day!
Yahweh: 10,000 per day! The testicles will run too hot. It's physically impossible.
Lucifer: Well, that's my bet. If you want the worship you'll have to design that in somehow. Either call or fold.
Yahweh: I-I-I-I'd actually have to put them outside the body somehow to keep them cool enough.
Lucifer: Pffftt... Okay, if I win, they have to dangle out the body in an ugly hairy bag, made from chicken skin!
Yahweh: That would look terrible!
Lucifer: But if you win, when I talk to you, instead of saying the word 'you', I'll say 'thee' and 'thou'.
Yahweh: ooh, That's just exactly what I want people to do. It's just so... meaningful and appropriate.
Lucifer: Ya. And I'll use words like, 'beseech' and 'unto'.
Yahweh: ooh, How about 'shalt'?
Lucifer: Ya, I'll say 'shalt' too.
Yahweh: uuuuuh... Okay, I'll call. Next card.
(one card is dealt face up, a 3 of diamonds. Added to the already turned up cards of: a 10 of hearts, king of spades, and a 6 of diamonds)
Yahweh: mmm, I don't think you can beat me from here. So I bet... hours and hours of the cheesiest happy-clappy worship songs you can imagine.
Lucifer: pff, Right. Bump it up to 100,000 sperm a day just to make it more interesting.
Yahweh: huh. What, are you mental? That will cause all sexual energy in their bodies. Men might want to have sex like... practically every day!
Lucifer: Imagine that.
Yahweh: Men might be left with the strongest sex drive than women. Why would I design that kind of imbalance?
Lucifer: Well, you better make sure you win the hand. Now do you want me to worship you or not?
Yahweh: Yes. I mean yes, yes I call. Come on, let's see the last card. Come on, this is it.
(one card is dealt face up, an 8 of clubs. Added to the already turned up cards of: a 10 of hearts, king of spades, a 6 of diamonds, and a 3 of diamonds)
Yahweh: hmm, Okay, uum, I check. Now keep it friendly.
Lucifer: I bet, 1,000,000 sperm per day.
(Yahweh's face turns extremely flushed and angry)
Yahweh: eerrrRRR!!!
(Yahweh's face slowly returns to normal)
Lucifer: But if you win, everything about the natural world that isn't under- stood by unbiased scientific observation and analysis, I'll credit it to you.
Yahweh: Re-raise. I want you to sing songs about me conquering death.
Lucifer: Hold on, didn't you invent death?
Yahweh: Well, ya, in a kind of backdoor way so as to not be directly respon- sible for it, ya.
Lucifer: What, you gona invent it, and than conquer it?
Yahweh: y-Yes.
Lucifer: Gee, that will be impressive. Re-raise. 10,000,000 sperm per day, and you have to make sex a sin.
Yahweh: But I'm a god love, and sex is the ultimate act of love between people! Why would I make sex a sin? I intend for people to use the sexual act as way way of coming together, of sharing and expressing love.
Lucifer: Ya, and you have to make it a sin, or else you can just fold and I'll win.
Yahweh: But what if people gona think of me if I sanction war after war after war, after war after war after war, after war after war after war and then tell them they are not allowed to express love? I'm not gona make any freak'n sense as a god of love at all! Look, I'll only call if they're allowed to each choose one person they can have sex with it being a sin.
Lucifer: mmmhm, Okay. That will be funny. All the men are walking around making 10,000,000 sperm a day, and busting for an opportunity to be relieved of them all, but they're only allowed to do it with one person for their whole life. That will drive some of them crazy. hahaha
Yahweh: oooOo, I wanted sex to be a free and open expression of love, and as many people as you wanted to.
Lucifer: But first I'm re-raising it to... 50,000,000 sperm a day.
Yahweh: 50,000,000 sperm a day and it's a sin to spread it around!? I'm an intelligent designer, not a freak'n sadist!!
(Shocked look on Yahweh's face)
Yahweh: And teenagers! You want teenagers to try to figure life out full of 50,000,000 sperm a day!
(Yahweh's face returns to normal)
Yahweh: Not to mention with disgusting skin on the end of their things and... ugly bags dangling around with... (sniffs) ... it's a freak'n nightmare scenario.
(Yahweh cries gently)
Lucifer: Oh come on, come on. Quit your whining, do you call or fold?
Yahweh: Well I call. But only cuz I'm sure I've got you anyway. What am I worried about, your ridicules plans don't even matter cuz I win! Here it is.
(Yahweh shows the 2 cards in his hand, a king and jack of diamonds - his best hand is now a pair of kings)
Yahweh: Top pair. Haha, (angels sing a short toon) I am the king of Kings!
Yahweh: HaHaHa! On your knees!
Lucifer: Sorry buddy.
Yahweh: Huh?
Lucifer: 3 of a kind beats a pair. 6... 6... 6.
(Lucifer breaks out into historical laughter)
Lucifer: aaHa Ha Ha HA HA HA HA!! Sexually mature in their early teen!!
Lucifer: Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA!! 50,000,000 sperm a day!!!! HAHA, And a foreskin that you can't stand!! HA HA HA HA!! Intelligent designer! Hahaha, And the ultimate act of love... is a sin!!!! HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!!
Yahweh: I demand a rematch.
Lucifer: Are you serious?! Okay, let's play for the female reproductive system this time. Huh! By the time I'm through with you, I'll have them... I don't know, bleeding out of it or something! HA HA HA HA!!
Yahweh: What? Bleeding?
Lucifer: Yaya, and I'll get you to make pregnancy involuntary, and childbirth practically deadly! HAHAHaHa!! Your deal. hahaha Ahuhuh, I had no idea that you would suck so badly at this.
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: Pair of kings, what did you think I had? You must have realized I'd hit something on the flop.
(conversation slowly fades out)
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: How could you have missed that man?
Yahweh: Shut up.
Lucifer: Really...